The Story of the Interesting Ceremony

Exodus 29:1-45

At school, Beth overheard some of the teachers in the teacher's room talking. They were telling about a horrible group of people who lived in the neighborhood and worshipped Satan.
According to the teachers, these evil people performed terrible ceremonies at night. Sometimes the Satan worshippers would kill animals and play with their guts.
It was all very disgusting.
After school, while Beth was helping her mother iron her father's underwear, she told her what she had heard. "Mother," Beth asked, "why do people do such horrible things?"
"Just because someone's religious ceremonies seem gross to you doesn't mean that they are bad," Beth's mother told her. "Here, let me tell you a story about religious ceremonies that seem strange." And this is the story she told:

One day, God was talking to Moses. "Here's what your brother Aaron should do if he wants to be a priest," said God.
"First, he should get a baby bull, two pretty rams, some flat wheat breads with oil on them, and flat wheat wafers with oil on them. Put all of this in a basket
"Aaron and his sons should go to the church door and wash their hands in water and then put on some fancy clothes. He should wear a robe, and a metal plate on his chest, and a big metal belt, and a crown.
"After he's all dressed, you should pour some oil on his head.
"Then, put nice coats on his sons, and give them big metal belts and bonnets.
"Next, get the baby bull and put him on the altar in front of everyone. Tell Aaron and his sons to put their hands on the baby bull's head. Then kill the baby bull.
"When the bull's dead, take its blood and wipe it on the corners of the altar with your finger. Then pour all the blood that is next at the bottom of the altar. Scrape the fat out of the dead baby bull and cut off part of its liver and all of its kidneys and set all this on fire on top of the altar.
"What's left of the baby bull, including his skin and his poo, should be set on fire out of town somewhere.
"After you're done with the baby bull, tell Aaron and his sons to put their hands on the head of the ram. While they are doing that, kill the ram and throw its blood all around the altar.
"Then cut the ram's body into little pieces. Clean its guts and legs and put them with the pieces and the head. Then burn the whole ram because I like the way it smells.
"When you're done with that, take the other ram and tell Aaron and his sons to put their hands on its head. Kill it. Then get some of its blood on your finger and spread it on Aaron's right ear, his right thumb, and his right big toe. Put blood in the same places on his sons, too. Sprinkle the blood that's left all around the altar.
"Take some of the blood off the altar and some of the oil and sprinkle it on Aaron and his sons. Make sure you get some on their clothes. This will make them and their clothes holy.
"Also, take some of the fat out of the ram's butt and off its guts, and part of the liver, all of its kidneys, its right shoulder, a loaf of flat bread, a loaf of oiled bread, and a flat wafer, and give them all to Aaron and his sons to hold. Tell them to wave these things around for me.
"Take these things back from them and set them on fire on the altar because I like the way it smells.
"Then take the ram's chest and wave it around for me. Then bless it and the shoulder that Aaron waved around before. When you are through with this, the chest and shoulder will belong to Aaron and his sons forever.
"Take the ram and boil it somewhere holy and tell Aaron and his sons to eat it and the leftover bread next to the temple door. When they're done, they should eat everything that was used in the ceremony, and they shouldn't let strangers have any.
"If it's too much for them to finish by the next day, then you should set the leftovers on fire.
"You should do all of this once a day for seven days.
"Also, you should kill a baby bull every day and clean the altar afterwards. Also, you should bless the altar every day.
"Every day for a year you should kill a lamb on the altar once in the morning and once in the evening. With one of the lambs, you should make some flour, oil, and wine to drink.
"When you kill the lamb in the evening, do it like you did the one in the morning, but set it on fire afterwards because I like the way it smells.
"Your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and other children should do this kind of thing forever. If you do, then I will make Aaron and his sons priests and allow you to worship me."

Beth thought about this for a moment. She thought about the baby bull. Then she thought about the baby lamb and how it would bleat when Moses cut it up and set it on fire. When she had thought about it for a little while, Beth began to scream and cry hysterically. All her questions had been answered.