The Story of the Ten Commandments

Exodus 34:1-27

As Beth and her family were walking through Westwood one lovely summer afternoon, they heard a man on the street corner talking about Hell. He said that it was very hot there and that you would have to go there for the rest of eternity if you didn't obey the ten commandments.
This bothered Beth because she was uncomfortable enough in the summer and probably couldn't stand living somewhere that was on fire. The problem was, she couldn't obey the ten commandments because she didn't know what they were. When they stopped at Papa Zitti's for some pizza, Beth asked her mother to tell her about the ten commandments.
"Eat your dinner, Dear One," her mother said, "and I'll tell you the story of God's ten commandments."
And this is the story she told:

One day, Moses had to make new tablets with God's laws on them because the old tablets got broken. So God said to Moses, "Make two tablets like the first and bring them to the top of mount Sinai. Then I'll write the laws on them."
So in the morning, Moses took two tablets that he had made and climbed up mount Sinai with them.
Once Moses was at the top of the mountain, God came down and said, "I am God. I am nice, polite, patient, generous, truthful, merciful, and forgiving. But when I punish people, I punish their children and their grandchildren and their great-grandchildren and their great-great-grandchildren."
Moses took the hint. He hurried up and bowed his head and worshipped God saying, "If you like me, God, please be nice to me and my people."
"I promise," said God, "I will do magic for you. If you do everything that I tell you to do today, then I will throw your enemies out of their homes so that you can have their land. Here are my rules: First, make sure that you do not try and make peace with your enemies, or you'll be in trouble. Instead, go into their countries and destroy their churches, break their statues, and chop down their trees."
"Why?" asked Moses.
"Because I'm jealous of other gods," said God. "Also, make sure that your sons don't marry any foreign women.
"Second," continued God, "don't make any metal statues of gods.
"Third, remember to celebrate the feast of flat bread.
"Fourth, what ever animal comes out of a vagina first is mine. If it's a sheep or an ox, kill it. If it's a donkey, either kill a lamb or break the donkey's neck. You should also set a lamb on fire whenever one of your women gives birth to a boy child for the first time.
"Fifth, don't work on Saturday.
"Sixth, remember the feast of weeks, the feast of the wheat harvest, and the feast at the end of the year.
"Seventh, all the men in your family should show up in church three times a year. I will throw people out of their homes so that you can move in, and make sure that nobody wants your land while they are doing this.
"Eighth, don't use any leaven when you offer me blood and eat everything on your plate at the Passover meal.
"Ninth, the first harvest of your land should be given to my temple.
"Tenth, never boil a goat in milk that you got from its mother.
"Write all these laws on the tablets," God said to Moses, "and I will keep my promise to you."

"That doesn't seem so bad," said Beth, "but there's a lot of different celebrations in there. Like the one of flat bread and the one of weeks and the one of wheat. I guess we do those, but I've never even heard about the others."
"That's true, Dear One," said Beth's mother.
"And I do chores on Saturdays but take Sundays off. I guess that Dad and Bobbie go to church about three times a year, so that's okay, and we never boil any goats, but we don't give fruit from our fruit trees to God and I don't even know what leaven is or why I should be offering blood to God. It's all very upsetting, Mother. Does this mean that we are going to hell?"
"Oh, I don't think so," said Beth's mother. "It is true that God promised to take care of people only if they obeyed him and punish them if they don't, but he also told Moses that he'd write the laws on tablets for him and Moses ended up having to do it himself."
Beth thought about this for a moment. Then she smiled and hugged her mother. All her questions had been answered.