The Story of the Monthly Visitor

Leviticus 15:19-30

On Beth's eighth birthday, her mother took her aside, sat her down, and said, "Beth, you are becoming a young woman and there are certain things you need to know."
"You mean, like having sex and stuff?" asked Beth.
"No, not that," said her mother. "What I mean is, when you become a woman, you will have a monthly visitor. Do you know what that is?"
"The gardener?"
"No, Dear One," explained her mother. "It is a special time of month that only women get the joy of experiencing."
"Oh, that," said Beth. "We saw a film about that in school."
"Did they tell you in the film what God says about the monthly visitor?" asked Beth's mother.
"No," answered Beth.
"Then let me tell you a story," said her mother.
And this is the story she told:

One day, God gave people these rules:
If a woman has her monthly visitor and it is all bloody, then she should stay away from everyone for a week. Anyone who touches her during that week is icky for the rest of the day and everything that she lies on or sits on is icky.

"Is that why you're always gone for a week every month and Aunt Holly has to come and stay with Father and us?" asked Beth.
Beth's mother paused for a moment, looking confused. "Yes, Dear One," she finally said and hurried on the story.

If anyone touches the woman's bed, then he should wash his clothes and take a bath, but he's still icky for the rest of the day. If anyone touches anything that she sat on, he should wash his clothes and take a bath, but he's still icky for the rest of the day.
If a man puts his penis in the woman --

"Ew!" said Beth, making her mother glare at her.

If a man puts his penis in her during that week, then he will be icky for a week --

"I'll bet," said Beth. "Ew!"
"Please, Dear One," her mother said, "do not interrupt. This is difficult enough to talk about."
He will be icky for a week and any bed that he lies on will be icky, too.
If a woman has her monthly visitor a lot or if it stays longer than a week, then she will be icky for as long as the visitor stays and the bed and place-where-she-sat stuff still goes.
But when the monthly visitor goes away, then the woman should wait a week and after that she's not icky any more. When she's done being icky, the woman should take a couple doves or baby pigeons and bring them to a priest. The priest will kill one and burn the other for God. This will make up for her having her monthly visitor.

Beth thought about this for a moment. "God sure makes us burn a lot of birds and things," said Beth.
"Dear One! Be careful what you say about God's laws," scolded her mother.
"But," said Beth, "women have to kill two birds a month. That's a lot of birds. You'd think God owned a bird shop or something."
"Beth!"
"All I mean is. . ."
"I'll have no more of this. You are being very naughty. Perhaps this means that you are getting your first monthly visitor!"
That made Beth giggle. She smiled and hugged her mother. "Maybe you're right," she said, although she hoped it wasn't so. Beth didn't want to spend so much time alone and icky and, no matter what God said, she wasn't all that interested in setting fire to birds. But in any case, all her question had been answered.
It turns out that her mother had a question for Beth, though. "So tell me about this 'Aunt Holly'," said Beth's mother. And when Beth told, her mother got really flustered but Beth couldn't understand why.