The Story of God's Rules for Who You Can Have Sex With

Leviticus 18:1-26

Beth was playing with her brother Bobby and he said, "I love you, Beth. I want to marry you one day."
There seemed to be something wrong with him saying this, so Beth went to her mother who was in the bedroom packing her suitcase and asked, "Is it all right for Bobby to marry me when he get's older?"
"God would have something to say about that," her mother answered, her eyes moist from crying. "Here, let me tell you a story."
And this is the story she told through her sobs:

One day, God was talking to Moses and he said, "Tell the Hebrews that I have some more rules for them because I'm God. Tell them that they shouldn't act like Egyptians or Canaanites and shouldn't obey those country's laws. They should just do what I say because I'm God.
"Don't go up to anyone related to you and have sex with them," God continued. "I'm God. Don't have sex with your father or with your mother. Don't have sex with your father's wife because that's the same as having sex with your father. Having sex with your sister who is the daughter of your father or the daughter of your mother, whether or not she was born at home or somewhere else, is also bad. Don't have sex with your son's daughter or with the daughter of your own daughter because that would be like having sex with yourself. Don't have sex with your father's sister because she is closely related to your father. Don't have sex with your mother's sister because she is closely related to your mother. Don't have sex with your father's brother or his wife because she is your aunt. Don't have sex with your daughter-in-law because she is the wife of your son. Don't have sex with your brother's wife or you are having sex with your brother.
"Don't have sex with a woman and her daughter or with her son's daughter or her daughter's daughter because they are all related and that is nasty. Don't marry a woman's sister to make her mad and have sex with her unless the woman is already dead. Also, don't go up to a woman and put your penis in her when she is icky. Even more important, don't put your penis in your neighbor's wife. And don't let any of your children be set on fire for the God Molech because that's insulting to me, and I'm God.
"Don't have sex with men like you'd have sex with women. That's gross. Also, don't have sex with animals whether you are a woman or a man because that's confusing.
"Don't make yourself icky by doing any of these things or I will punish you and make the ground throw you up and make you leave. Do what I say and don't do any of these gross things, and don't let anyone visiting you do them, either."

Beth thought about this for a moment. "So," Beth said to her sobbing mother, "Bobby couldn't marry me because you have to have sex after you are married and he can't put his penis in me because I'm his sister who is the daughter of his father and the daughter of his mother."
"That's right, Dear One," her mother said.
Beth thought for another moment and said, "But he could marry Cousin Rebekah because she's your brother's daughter, or Aunt Deborah who is your brother's wife, and if I have daughters he could put his penis in them, right? And he could marry Grandma if he wanted to, right?"
"Right again, Dear One," her mother said. "You have learned your lessons well. But right now I'm not feeling like talking any more about marriage. Maybe you should ask 'Aunt Holly' about it the next time you see her."
Then Beth smiled and helped her mother close her suitcase. All her questions had been answered.