The Story of Rules for Priests

Leviticus 21:1-23

Beth was playing with her little brother Bobby in the back yard. They were not being supervised because Beth's mother wanted to make sure that Beth could take care of her brother when Beth's mother was not around. "From now on," Beth's mother had said, "there's not going to be an 'Aunt Holly' around when I go away. You are going to have to be in charge of Bobby."
Beth was doing her best to make sure that Bobby didn't do anything bad, but while they were playing, Bobby got a magnifying glass and set an earthworm on fire. "What are you doing?" Beth asked him, not sure that he should be burning animals like that.
"I'm practicing for when I grow up," he said. "I'm gonna be a priest and set fire to things in the temple."
Beth thought that was a noble goal for her brother and she went inside to tell her mother.
Beth's mother was sitting at the kitchen table taping together some old wedding photos that had gotten torn in half. "I don't think he can be a priest, Dear One" said her mother. "Here, have a seat at my side and I'll tell you a story about God's rules for priests."
And this is the story she told:

One day, God was talking to Moses and he told him, "Tell the priests that they will be naughty if they touch dead people. Except for their relatives, like their parents or their children or their brothers. They can touch the dead bodies of their sisters, too, but only if their sister isn't married and had never had a penis put in her before she died. Because priests are in charge of everyone, they shouldn't be naughty like that.
"Priests shouldn't shave the tops of their heads," God continued, "or trim their beards or cut themselves. They should be holy and not say my name in nasty ways. They are holy because they burn things for me and give me bread. Priests shouldn't marry women who have sex with men for money, or who have been thrown out by their husbands.
"Any priest's daughter who lets men put their penis in her for money is being nasty to her father and should be set on fire. And whoever is the priest in charge of the other priests -- the guy who has oil poured on his head and wears the holy clothes -- shouldn't go around with his head uncovered and shouldn't tear his clothes on purpose. He also shouldn't touch dead bodies, even if it's one of his parents. He also shouldn't leave the temple or say anything bad about it because he's got my oil on his head. I'm God.
"The priest in charge of other priests should marry a woman who has never had a penis put in her. He shouldn't marry a widow, or a woman who is divorced, or someone nasty, or a women who charges men money to put their penis in her. He also shouldn't put his penis in people around town."
Then God told Moses, "Tell Aaron that any of their children who have spots shouldn't be allowed to burn things for me in the temple. That goes for blind people, people who limp, or who have flat noses, or extra parts. Also, people with broken feet or broken hands or crooked backs, really short people, people with spots in their eyes, and people who haven't eaten enough oranges or who have scabs or broken testicles shouldn't be priests. These people shouldn't burn things for me or bring me bread. They can eat the bread, though. Just make sure that They don't go up to the altar or into the really holy places because he'll make them nasty. I live in those places."

Beth thought about this for a moment. "So Bobby can't be a priest because he's got buck teeth?" asked Beth.
"That's right, Dear One," said her mother. "And he has bad cuticles, too."
Beth she smiled and hugged her mother. All her questions had been answered, and she ran outside to tell her brother that he was setting fire to earthworms for nothing.